Knowing when to stop a project is perhaps as important as when you decide to start it in the first place. My next project, which I’m hoping to publish next year after my Tulip project, has been with me for the last 5 years, but only recently I’ve been thinking heavily about how to end it. It feels like it’s coming to a natural end in someway, but I also don’t want to let it go. It feels like it’s been the most important project for me so far on a personal level. In those really really dark days when I struggled to feel like anything would ever feel better again, writing about it all was the only thing that felt like it helped. Writing this blog became my way, and perhaps my only way, of processing the pain, the grief, the utter sadness that was inside me. I didn’t feel strong enough to let on to others what pain I was in, I don’t really understand why. Perhaps it’s because I’ve always been brought up to be a strong person, to get on with things, be practical. So from the exterior I always have been, but the inside was, is, so different. Writing became my, very surprising, outlet. Writing I felt was not my skill, give me camera I feel I can take a decent picture of anything, but ask me to write something and I would shy away. I love the format of a blog, to me it feels personal, diary like, when in fact it’s the compete opposite. Anyone can, I have discovered, read it. I always assumed no one really did. There is something incredibly cathartic about getting all the jumble out of my head, forming some kind of structure of it, and then posting it. It reminds me of a session with a councillor, it’s exactly the same format, when you leave their room you feel relieved, you’ve left with some kind of understanding of all that is going on inside you. The blog, to me, is exactly the same.
The thought of ending this is strange, a bit scary. A bit like when I had my last session with my bereavement councillor, like you’re alone now, heading off into a different stage of your life. Obviously I don’t need to stop writing, but I need to stop writing about grief, I’m no longer in grief, so I’ve run out of material! Which is a great feeling, I genuinely never thought I would get here, it felt like such a deep dark whole I was in, that no one or no thing could ever help, but it did, and for that I am so very grateful. I don’t ever want to return there.
My Tulip project is all about saying goodbye to my dying mum, and this project, about the years after my mums death, is about saying goodbye to grief. I’m looking forward to that, and moving on. Perhaps to do other work that isn’t about such bloody depressing things! Though saying that my next planned project is about loneliness in the elderly, not sure you can get more sad than that. Though it feels like I’m approaching it in a different and more positive way. Having recently signed up to be a Befriender for a charity, it feels like a much more proactive thing, not wallowing in my own self-pity, I hope my work on this subject could help raise awareness in someway.
So I sign this off, of what could be my last post of my grief project, on a positive note and hope next year brings more fun and good times like the end of this year has started to…