Five years ago.

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It’s five years ago my mum died. Shit, time flies when you’re not having fun. Was that really five years ago? I remember arriving that morning at the hospice clearly, it does and it doesn’t feel like a long time ago, the memories are not as raw at least, for many years it felt like it had happened the day before, it really feels like some healing has happened this year. It’s a horrible feeling though to comprehend that you haven’t spoken to your mum in 5 years, I’ve so many things to tell her, so much I would like to share, but I can’t and never will be able to. I think that’s the sadness that will never go, the other stuff I can get over; the grief, the pain, the shock, the hopeless depressed feeling like there is nothing and no one that can make me feel better. That stuff I can deal with, it’s the silence I can’t. The painful silence. Maybe you learn to live with that, I’m not so sure.

I marked the day as I seem to every year now, by buying some of her favourite flowers. I didn’t feel like doing any work so I went for a walk, the weather was exactly the same as the day she died. Bright deep blue skys, crisp air. I’ll always remember sitting on the bench outside the hospice that morning, after having called people to say mum was dying, looking up at the deep blue sky contracting against the autumn leafs starting to turn red, that image will stay with me forever.

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Today I walked across The Heath and went to visit her ashes under the beautiful silver birch tree we buried them under, lying underneath the tree staring up at the sky once more, it felt more hopeful, the sun warmer and the branches bigger and encompassing. I love lying there listening to the birds, I love the birds there, it feels like they keep mum company, and it breaks the silence of not hearing her voice. I love that spot, sometimes I take photos when I go, but have never been able to capture the feeling I feel when I’m there, I don’t think a photo could, I would love to paint it actually, I’m so eager to start painting again, will do very soon.

I met a very dear old friend after the Heath, for much needed beer, we went to one of our very very old and very very drunken hang out pubs in Kentish Town, funny memories. I’m not sure I could live in the heart of Camden or Kentish again, so many mum memories there, but it’s so nice to visit and reminisce. That’s one thing about living in Peckham, there are absolutely no memories of anything here, I think that’s why I moved there after my mum died, and as I’m feeling stronger and more healed now that must have something to do with my recent decision to move back closer to North very soon, well East but its only down the road, I like having reference to things, bumping into old friends, and discovering lost memories. It’s something to look forward to…

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2 thoughts on “Five years ago.

  1. You could try sitting under your mum’s tree, closing your eyes and imagine telling her all the things you have done the last five years. Could you imagine her reply? I know it’s not the same but I sometimes imagine conversing with my grandma whilst I’m doing arty things I know she would enjoy. Maybe you could go to meditation classes. Sorry, it is a futile offering of help. She is in your heart. xxx

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