Anniversaries.

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I happened to be in New York on September 11th this year, I didn’t go anywhere near the site, I definitely had no intention of being a grief tourist, hanging around the site taking selfies whilst watching family members sob. I did however happen upon the tv broadcast (well it seemed to be on every channel) of the reading of all the names of the victims by their family members, I found it incredibly uncomfortable watching the grieving families on camera, with the cameramen desperate for the all important sobbing close up. It’s 14 years since their relatives died, but it seems from the grief like it was yesterday, and I feel for them, to still be this grief stricken after so much time, their relatives died in such a freak way it must take an incredible amount of time just to comprehend it, let alone start processing the grief.

It made me think about my mums anniversary next month, it’s going to be 5 year since she died. I’m not sure how I will mark it, probably just visit her ashes under her tree on Hampstead Heath like I’ve done every year, what else is there to do really. I’ve realised I don’t feel anything like the people do I saw on the TV, I can talk about her without crying, or without it putting a dark cloud over the rest of the day, I can remember her fondly now. But does this mean I feel anything less? Do I still need to be crying to feel her loss? I do, and always will, feel a massive hole where my mum was, a huge part of my life has changed, but I can’t mourn forever. I’m not in any way making a comment about the 9/11 relatives, I think openly grieving is good for you, I’m all up for public grieving, the non-english way, I would do it if I could, I wish I could, but it just doesn’t happen. All I’m really saying is it made me think about my own stage of grief, and the fact I’m not in that bit anymore, and for that I’m glad.

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