Living with ghosts.

As the anniversary of my mums death creeps up I feel haunted, haunted by the loss, more than ever. Haunted by everything really; the harrowing way she died, the way I had to deal with it, the way I am or am not dealing with it now, the empty house, the fact all her possessions are sitting in boxes that I am scared to open, the fact I am ignoring the fact I have stopped visiting her ashes, the eternal emptiness that wont go away, the feeling of being alone, having horrible dreams and not being able to stay asleep, seeing things out of the corner of my eye thinking it is her, deep buried silent anger and rage, people miss reading my actions and thinking I have no feelings, not trusting people I thought I could, feeling like no one really cares, and feeling like I don’t care myself much anymore. Haunted by it all. What I struggle with too is the up and down of it all, the fact that you can’t control it too is very strange. Last month I really felt like I was feeling better, like the worst of it was done, but then it hits you in the face, again. Part of it must have been the fact I just spent a week in the city where she spent her childhood, New York, where she spent all of her teenage years, and then many years in her 20 & 30’s. As I wandered thought the streets she would have walked down herself, I wanted to feel her presence, I wanted to get to know more about her life, but without knowing exactly what. I was searching for something, but it was something I was never going to find,  all it did was make me sad, I burst into random tears on many random Manhattan streets. I wanted to be haunted by her life out there, but I couldn’t find out enough about it, so instead I felt haunted by my own self-hatred and self-analysis. My head was full of anger and regret for not knowing more about my mums life in New York, why did I not ask her more when I could? Why did I think by wandering around the streets I would feel closer to her?

But anyway this is grief I suppose, and the haunting will always be there. I just have to live with it, or at least just get used to all the relapses, as it doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere just yet, especially not in the lead-up to the anniversary anyway. I’m bored with it though, and bored of writing about it, so I shall stop now…