After a pretty hectic, and at sometimes emotional, few weeks I find my way of thinking about things is changing quite a bit, my mind keeps going back to the idea of things living in coexistence, the idea that things in our life especially emotions don’t need to battle against each other. We can live with emotions, own them, and let completely different ones coexist at the same time within us. This does not have to create a mass fight in your head. It’s also about letting go, letting yourself experience these feelings and not feeling like your whole world is going to collapse if you do, and with the letting go you can, I’ve found, let go of some of the anger and more importantly the pain.
I find it hard to discuss how i feel, but i find it very difficult to feel how I feel, I’m not sure how many people will understand this, most of the time I don’t. But how do you describe feeling emotional pain, how do you describe something that isn’t actually physical. Although it is physical, you carry it around like the heaviest weight you have ever known, it’s there all the time, when your out with friends you feel incredibly lonely, when you start new relationships it’s there reminding you you’re not ok yet, when good things happen to you it pulls you back down, it reminds you that you’re not ok and at times is makes you doubts if you ever will be. I hate it. I hate that this thing controls me, like some dark cloud above my head. I’ve felt like this since the day my mum died, and I did feel like it would never ease, but it can go, not entirely, but it can have less of my power. That’s I suppose why I started back seeing a new councillor, and at the time I didn’t think it help seeing him, but now when i look back at the last 3 month I see it has. His views about coexistence really stuck with me, I feel i need to get this jumbled up ideas out of my head and perhaps they will finally make some sense.
Emotions of completely opposite spectrums can be in our lives and we still in some way can have harmony. That’s what I am experiencing right now, or at least starting to. Life does not have to be black & white, one week up and one week down. Can have a good day, with a 10 minute sadness in there, but that whole day does not need to be sad, I can go in and out of emotions, that if I feel sad it does not need to drag on and ruin that day, I can come out of it. It also works the other way, I felt very sad one day recently on a trip to Scotland to do a show up there, probably because my mum would have liked to hear all about it, and as I was walking down the coastal path feeling like this out of no where this rose bush appears, the exact same rose my mum grew in her garden, i smelt it and it reminded me of her and nicer times, and I felt myself being pulled up out of the darkness instantly. It’s ok to be sad, I’m discovering, it wont sink me, it’s just an emotion and it’s one that one day will become much more malleable and I will control it.
Coexistence, to me, is also about owning feelings, and letting others do the same without taking offence. Learning to say things that are in my head, and just taking responsibility for what I feel, and owning that, but not taking on the responsibility of the other person. Coexistence is also something about understanding and perhaps letting go of some control.