Well I’ve very glad Christmas is over for this year, though despite all the sadness I feel more positive about everything. Spending time in my mother’s house over Christmas gave me time to think about stuff, especially that things keep going, and I need to. I am sick of feeling sad and I am determined to not feel miserable anymore! It’s not good for me, and my mum would be very cross if she saw me like this, so that’s enough. Things change, everything moves on without our control, and trying to cling on to things doesn’t work. My mum’s house no longer really feels like my mum’s house, it’s now my brother’s house, but that is not a reason to be upset. You can not expect someone to live in a shrine and not move anything, it’s normal for a person to make their environment how they want it to be. Though my mum’s room remains unchanged. I like sleeping in there, in her comfy bed that she loved and spent so much of her last year in, and still surrounded by all her possessions. That’s one hurdle I think I will leave for another time, I may feel like I’m moving on but clearing out her room feels too much for now. There is no hurry.
Things change, and I can not keep feeling so depressed about what has happened. Maybe seeing my mum’s ashes for the first time on Christmas Eve hit me, hit me that it really is final. She’s gone, and there is nothing that can be done. Except keep her alive within me, that sounds cringy, but what I mean is I feel her, and I never thought I was like her but now I see I am. Many people have told me this recently, and it feels good. I make decisions now with her in mind, what would she of done, or I look at decisions she made in the past and they make more sense now. I need to channel all this sadness, emptiness and missing into something more productive, my career. That’s what she wanted, she was my biggest fan when it came to my photography, so I need to make a good shot of it, for her but more for me, then it makes the last project I did on her even more worthwhile.
While in the house I looked at the many things I had photographed, and realised how they had all now changed. Some depressed me. Like the flower pots of the front stairs where all her plants have died from the snow, or the once sunny flowering garden now drab and colourless. Though other things made me feel better, like looking out of her bedroom window. Where once it was a depressing view, the grey sky the day after she had died, now I took pictures of a more positive view.
Here are some of the ones I shot before and then now.