Things move on.

Well I’ve very glad Christmas is over for this year, though despite all the sadness I feel more positive about everything. Spending time in my mother’s house over Christmas gave me time to think about stuff, especially that things keep going, and I need to. I am sick of feeling sad and I am determined to not feel miserable anymore! It’s not good for me, and my mum would be very cross if she saw me like this, so that’s enough. Things change, everything moves on without our control, and trying to cling on to things doesn’t work. My mum’s house no longer really feels like my mum’s house, it’s now my brother’s house, but that is not a reason to be upset. You can not expect someone to live in a shrine and not move anything, it’s normal for a person to make their environment how they want it to be. Though my mum’s room remains unchanged. I like sleeping in there, in her comfy bed that she loved and spent so much of her last year in, and still surrounded by all her possessions. That’s one hurdle I think I will leave for another time, I may feel like I’m moving on but clearing out her room feels too much for now. There is no hurry.

Things change, and I can not keep feeling so depressed about what has happened. Maybe seeing my mum’s ashes for the first time on Christmas Eve hit me, hit me that it really is final. She’s gone, and there is nothing that can be done. Except keep her alive within me, that sounds cringy, but what I mean is I feel her, and I never thought I was like her but now I see I am. Many people have told me this recently, and it feels good. I make decisions now with her in mind, what would she of done, or I look at decisions she made in the past and they make more sense now. I need to channel all this sadness, emptiness and missing into something more productive, my career. That’s what she wanted, she was my biggest fan when it came to my photography, so I need to make a good shot of it, for her but more for me, then it makes the last project I did on her even more worthwhile.

While in the house I looked at the many things I had photographed, and realised how they had all now changed. Some depressed me. Like the flower pots of the front stairs where all her plants have died from the snow, or the once sunny flowering garden now drab and colourless. Though other things made me feel better, like looking out of her bedroom window. Where once it was a depressing view, the grey sky the day after she had died, now I took pictures of a more positive view.

Here are some of the ones I shot before and then now.

9th October. The day after she died.
Boxing Day 2010.
27 December 2010.
August 2010
December 2010.
Mum's window. September 2010.
Mum's window. December 2010.
Our Nasturtiums. August 2010.
Our Nasturtiums. December 2010.
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I just miss her, terribly.

Nothing prepares you for loosing a parent, especially your mum and especially just before christmas. I always hate christmas but this year even more. It is just some horrible massive reminder, like I needed one, that she is not here and she never will be. It shouldn’t make that much of a difference as everyday is just as painful as the rest, but it does. Christmas has this effect of making people feel lonely, that’s why I hate it. I know what mine is going to be like, lonely and very sad, but I suppose I don’t want it any another way. I don’t want to celebrate it, I don’t want to celebrate anything right now, and what I really really don’t want to do is pretend everything is fine. Lots of people have invited me to spend it with them, but I really don’t want to. I think sad emotions are not things that should be suppressed, there is a reason for them. Recently quite a few people have commented on how well they think I am doing, I find that weird, how would they know? Yes I am able to carry on with a ‘normal’ life at the same time as feeling like I am dying inside. My mum would absolutely hate me to mope around the house on her behalf, but that does not mean I am recovering from this whole horrible episode any quicker than anyone else. This is the time that people warned me about, when it is not hot in people’s minds, everyone has got back on with their own lives, and I feel forgotten by many people, including my father, though that was not a surprise. The phone no longer rings, family and friends don’t seem to be so concerned anymore. I wish I could get to a stage like that where I could push it out of my mind, but I don’t think that is ever going to happen. The world does not stop I know, people have their own lives and life carries on and all that, just not for everyone unfortunately. I don’t really know what I’m saying, just thought I should continue to write about it, as it does really help to get it all out my head, it’s getting quite full up there.

All I really know is I miss her so much, and so much more everyday. I wake up with memories of her in my head, following the bad dreams I have every night, and the instant projectile crying that happens whenever it wants, and this feels like it is only just scratching the surface. I can feel the pain buried so deep inside and it’s like some times the crying reaches it but other times it feels like I am pulled back into reality like I’m not ready to go there. It’s strange and horrible but in a weird way kind of comforting, what ever this is she is causing it and so I can kind of feel her.

I’m being torn between a horrible mixture of emotions right now, one that keeps coming back is guilt. Guilt because I couldn’t save her and that I let her down. I was her carer and daughter and I let her die, and that’s hard to take it. I wish we could have just ten minutes together now so we could talk, I could tell her the things that I’m really sorry about. Maybe I should just do this anyway, but it feels weird talking to a picture or some inanimate object. I wish we had had time to say these things before she died, but we never got the chance to as it all happened so quickly at the end of her life. I don’t even know if she knew she was dying, in a way I hope she didn’t. Maybe once we spread the ashes I will have a place to visit and talk to her, and this will help calm the storm inside my head. Until then I have my blog…